A Serious Lack of Humors
by Spiffy Da WonderSheep
Summary: I AM SICK OF ANGST FICS!! ARGH!!! So if you're happy doing the gloomy, don't read this. Sometime in s5, I think, no spoilers.
1. Part One

A Serious Lack of Humors (1/2)  
  
Disclaimer: I own two cups of cooked converted rice and a demon cat named Stewball. Please sue, the cat is driving me mad! Everything else is Joss', aka The Powers That Be, and I worship at his feet. Okay, not literal worship, but you get the idea.  
  
Author's Note: I AM SICK OF POST-GIFT ANGST FICS! AAAAARGH! Therefore, if you are happy in your little gloomy world, and not ready to let sillyness reign, try somewhere else. Continuity is nonexistient, but we are somewhere in s5. I think. I doubt there are any spoilers, but if you're worried about things like that, you'd better read something else.  
  
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Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly --- Robin Williams  
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"AAAAK!" *Kaboom!* *hissssssssssssssss*  
  
Red mist billowed out of the stockroom of the Magic Box, leaving a sticky trail across the floor. Anya looked up from where she was tallying the reciepts from the day. "Xander, what did you knock over?"  
  
"I don't know, but it does have a pleasant, fruity scent," he quipped in between bouts of coughing.   
  
"Well, get out of there before breathing too much of it turns you into a moose or a... _bunny_"  
  
Xander appeared in the doorway, looking exactly like Xander if Xander had been dipped in a very large bucket of paint. "Is it just me, or is everything kind of... red?"  
  
Anya sighed mightily, the sigh of the suffering saint. "Sit down, I'll go get something to clean you up."  
  
Giles was busy watching Buffy's routine on the pommel horse, so he didn't notice when Anya entered the training room with a large metal bucket. "Where is the---"  
  
"AAAK!" he cried out, and whirled on Anya.   
  
She stood there blinking, then launched right back into, "Where is the paint thinnner?"  
  
"For the love of--- Anya, don't sneak up on me like that! Why are you looking for paint thinner?"  
  
"Xander knocked over the Kenteffrin powder into the pail of emergancy holy water, and the resulting explosion knocked the bucket of paint we use to touch up the sign out front into the fan, and he's now bright red. So I need the paint thinnner to get it off, and the Ptah Chalice to counteract the curse of destroying Kenteffrin powder." She held up the bucket, so he could clearly see the hieroglyphics someone had inscribed on the tin.  
  
"Wait a minute," grunted Buffy as she finished a revolution with a handstand and a backflip off the end of the horse. "You left a cursed Xander in a store full of magical items, alone?"  
  
"I told him not to move," Anya said, her words punctuated by several crashes and the retreating screams of customers.   
  
"Oh for the love of---" Giles said, and rushed into the shop, followed by the two women, to find two bookcases toppled and a very blue Xander. Literally.   
  
"I didn't do it!" he immediatley qualified, gesturing at the mess with his tail. Then he said, "What's so funny, Buffy?"  
  
"Xander, you have a tail!" Buffy pointed out to him as she laughed.   
  
He turned around and scrutinized his bottom. "Why, yes, apparently I do." He put his hands on top of his head. "No horns though, guess I'm still a good guy."  
  
"To be specific, he has a forked tail," Anya replied sourly. "Not very sexy."  
  
"Are you thinking that he got hit by beetle eyes, conjuring powder, and oregano?" Giles asked.  
  
"Well, it would explain why he's blue. But what about the tail?" Anya replied. Xander took this moment to look at his hands, and then buried his face in them.  
  
"I'm not sure, there may be some side effects to Kenteffrin curses when you mix them with beetle eyes."  
  
"For all we know, it may be a side effect of the paint."  
  
Giles conceeded her point. "You are right. We need to research this. And get Xander to somewhere safer."  
  
"I'll go get Willow and Tara, I think we're going to need them." Buffy said, still letting out a muffled giggle every so often. She took Giles' keys off the hook behind the register, and with one last look at Xander, she left the shop laughing.  
  
  
  



	2. Part Two

A Serious Lack of Humors (2/2)  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I wouldn't be worrying about my 8 grand credit card bill. I'm just borrowing them to pretend I bring joy into the world, like Joss and Co, and thereby gain some vicarious feelings of meaning in my life.   
  
Author's Note: The idea for what happens to Xander's ears comes from Riven, a reviewer at fanfiction.net. Sorry, no Spike this time! Maybe next fic he'll be eating carrots ;-)  
I played fast and loose with the definitions of humors, so go read a book on the subject if you're interested and don't bother flaming me.  
  
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He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh. --- The Qu'ran  
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Buffy pulled into the Magic Box's parking lot, still giggling. Willow and Tara got out of the back of Giles' car, completely mystified as to why they had been called there. Every time they tried to ask Buffy, she started laughing so hard she couldn't talk.   
  
The two witches entered the shop through the back door, and Willow spotted Giles coming out of the storeroom reading a book. "Giles, what's happening?"  
  
Giles put a hand over his mouth, shook his head, and gestured into the shop with the book. Willow kept walking, completely mystified, and Tara followed her. To Buffy, Giles said, "It's gotten worse."  
  
Willow stopped in the middle of the hallway, right before it opened up into the shop proper, and Tara ran into her back. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
Willow collapsed to the floor in helpless laughter.  
  
Tara looked up from her and caught sight of Xander, who was seated on the table in the middle of a pentagram. He had gone from blue to a pretty red tartan design, and had somehow gotten his foot stuck in the Ptah Chalice. In addition to the tail (which was currently switching angrily back and forth on the table, threatening to upset strategically placed cups and candles), he had grown--  
  
"Bunny ears?" Tara exclaimed, and then she too started giggling. She visibly tried to get them under control, and had almost succeeded, when Buffy came up behind her, saw the new and improved Xander, and was off again, laughing. That started both Tara and Willow on a fresh bout.  
  
"This is so not funny!" Willow raised her head and wiped tears from her eyes, just enough so she could see Anya cowering behind the cash register, her eyes wide with fear. "You're a witch, do something! My boyfriend is turning evil!"  
  
"An, for the last time, I am NOT turning evil!" This started the three women laughing again, for something had happened to Xander's voice. It sounded like Barry White was simultaneously eating gravel and sucking on helium. Xander put his hand up to his mouth and spit out the small stones he'd had in his mouth, and now just sounded like Barry White on helium, roaring at them. "Please, can you guys pull it together and figure out what's wrong!"  
  
Of course, the first part of his request went over rather well. Willow was banging on the floorboards with both fists as she laughed. Giles came out, surveyed the scene, said to Xander, "Put the divining stones back in your mouth, I need to-- to find another book," and went back into the storeroom as Xander glowered and complied.  
  
"Okay, calm, cool, clear water..." Buffy repeated to herself in between laughs, closing her eyes and pulling herself into a seated half-lotus position. After five full minutes, she got her giggles under control. "Guys, we really need to fix this. Do you know what could be causing him to..." she lost it again.  
  
"He was cursed!" Anya said. "He knocked Kenteffrin powder into holy water, then got pelted with paint, beetle eyes, oregano, and conjuring powder. Then he fell backwards into the conjuring amulets--"   
  
"I was knocked backwards!" Xander corrected her crossly. "By that damn bird that flew in through the window!"  
  
"He fell backwards into the conjuring amulets," Anya continued as if Xander hadn't squeaked. "And Ma'damen appeared and was in a bad mood, so she doused him in Macbeth Mix and toasted him with some Living Flame."  
  
"B-B-B-but!" Willow said through laughs. "That--- Doesn't--- His tail!"  
  
"What was in the paint?" Tara asked, obviously intrigued but still giggling. She managed to stand up, and walked around to contemplate his hiney.   
  
"I really wish people would stop staring at my butt!"  
  
"Shush honey," Anya said.  
  
Giles appeared again, this time carrying a silver tray. He held it up to Xander's mouth, and said, "Spit!" Xander replied with a volley of spit-covered stones. Giles looked at them, made a *hmmm!* sound, then turned back towards the storeroom, mumbling something to the effect of: "Must check the arrangement with the book."  
  
"Willow, any ideas?" Buffy said, her eyes still closed.  
  
"I-I think it was the paint."  
  
"No," Giles called from the storeroom. "It was everything. Combined with his lack of humors."  
  
"I seem to be full of humor here G-man," Xander said sarcastically.  
  
"Not funny humors, like blood and bile and aether humors. Body humors." Anya attempted to clarify.  
  
"Yes, my body is rather humorous right now," Xander said, again with the sarcasm.  
  
"In this case, Anya is both correct and incorrect." Giles appeared from the storeroom again, his face the model of seriousness. "The lack of humor in your life lately had seriously unbalanced your humors."  
  
"I've had a lot of stress at work lately, okay! I don't have the time to watch the Saturday morning cartoons!" A plaid, bunny-eared, squeaky yet deep voiced Xander getting angry was too much for even Anya, the women in the room went back to their aerobic giggling exercises.   
  
Giles turned a funny shade of purple. "Must check something," he said, and fled into the back room.   
  
"Everyone shhhh!" Buffy commanded, and they all ceased laughing, just long enough to hear the guffaws coming from the storeroom. Of course, it was infectious, and swept through the women like the plague.   
  
Giles appeared again, face back to normal pasty Watcher white. "You've been taking life too seriously. Before we can tackle the curses, we have to balance your humors. To be cured, first you need to laugh."  
  
"I'm not finding much funny right now, Giles."  
  
"I've got the answer to this," Anya said. She rummaged around behind the counter and   
came up with something small and round. She marched over in front of Xander, flipped the object open, and held it in front of his face.   
  
Xander looked at his reflection for a moment.   
  
Then, he laughed.  
  
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If you can't laugh at yourself, do you have the right to laugh at anything? --- Mary Renfrow  
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End file.
